bleeding to write!

Do you ever find yourself alone at a bar on a Monday night...pause and take a look at the people around you filling their faces with pitchers of beer, assorted cheap whiskey's, and fake meandering eyes and realize you are most likely the only one in there capable of deep thought. Yeah.

But then i think to myself "well why the fuck are you in here Courtney? are you basking in your own hypocrisy?"

And to that i think the answer is no. I think i've just been too far from the blank page and my insides are raging to be dispelled into some semblance of written word...

I've had a lot go wrong lately, and to match that I've had a lot go right; however my focus has been blurred between the two leaving me me in my all to familiar state of angst. I am so confused over my self worth all the time. It's stupid.... it's backwards... it's infantile.... but it's all the time. Angst, angst , angst... It's that knot in my stomach that repeatedly pokes at me in an annoying tone going "why hasn't he called? what did you do wrong? why are you reading into things? maybe he's just busy.... but if he were really into you he would have made time to call"

WELL FUCK THAT VOICE!

and this leave of absence i mistakenly took from words is over ... i'm home and will continue to force my thoughts on a nearly vacant blog.

again with the yeah! I would snap repeatedly like the sorority girls did in college.... but this is written....and you can't hear me.... and so that would be stupid.... but in theory....yeah

gnight

4 letter word

Tonight made me want to poke myself in the eye....

The end

Blog number 7 (my favorite number)

well,

this has probably been one of the busiest months I've ever had...but i have to say it is kinda nice to know that your days are full of things to do, places to go, and people to see. Even if does occasionally get exhausting. As of late i have been sifting through a whirl wind of ideas. I have been dreaming every night which is not a normal occurrence for me.... According to google this is due to improper sleep patterns and a deficiency of R.E.M. sleep. (surprise surprise) Either way, they have been oddly bizarre dreams with a sort of Dr. Seuss feel. But what trips me out the most about them; is that i remember them vividly upon awakening. Weird! Right? The last time this happened i was in the middle of writing my novel.... I am beginning to wonder if there is a link between creativity outlets and freaky dreams.

Other than that i have somewhere somehow found my motivation to grind things out again... I think writing comes in waves.... where sometimes you can't bring yourself to even face a blank page and other times you are considering chopping down a tree because you have run out of every centimeter of blank paper within a mile radius. I am currently in the latter... I am shocked by this... because my creative motivation is usually linked to the weather. (and this is not my time of year). I write the best in fall when there is that strange tinge of electricity in the air that makes everything seem more alive than it ever was before. I wrote most of my novel wrapped in a blanket sitting on the roof of the lighting booth at the hollywood bowl in the middle of fall. But alas....here i am in spring... waking up early.... and excitedly taking myself to griffith park to sit in the grass with the wild wind and write. I suppose when it comes to life...you just have to go with it. And so i will.

My personal life has been rather comical lately but i haven't the time to crack that egg right now. In a nut shell i would say... work is ridiculous (i couldn't make this stuff up if i were tripping on acid with a dictionary in my lap), my family has gotten so close lately, and in every other part of my life i would say "when it rains it pours" and god knows i love the rain.

till next time kitties,

courtney

creepy creepy creepy!!!!

okay,

so do you ever have those nights where everything just feels slightly off....askew, or out of wack.....like the crazy train got derailed and all it's occupants were released into your general vicinity....well that was my night..... excuse me for a second while i deal with the willies.

It began with a drink after work with a friend of mine who had some "work" related issues... so to speak. That progressed to getting changed into evening attire and out of work clothes.We then headed out to continue our chat in a more mellow environment over a few beers. This did not go as planned. As it turns out "mellow" was term for "creepy old guys"....because every man over the age of forty seemed to "have a go" at us.... we were assaulted by "drunk eyes" (you know those glassy, vacant looks thrown at you from across the bar topped off with a crooked smile from a face resting on a hand so as not to lose balance?) yeah those. .. They are the kind of old men that offer a round of drinks as means of a conversation starter.... This approach always fails.... suffice it to say our attempt at a serious conversation got lost in the air trafficking we were forced to direct to get these people to "LEAVE US ALONE" but alas. After the sixth one was shooed away we ended up in a fit of laughter at the absurdity of it all and decided to call it a night.

If only it could have ended there.....

No sooner had we reached the outside than a thugged out ... "dude" asks for $.75 to catch the bus.... which as a good samaritan i gave him.... Then came these priceless words that every girl loves to hear directed at neither my friend nor I but more towards the space between us,

"Hey miha, you pregnant?"

To this several responses came to mind

1. "don't pinche call me miha"

2. "I want my $.75 back

3. "yes....8 months.... and it's yours"

None of these however, were actually spoken....

I then rode home to the soft sounds of Lady Gaga's "bad romance" wanting nothing more than to take a hot shower....crawl under my blankets, finish the book i'm reading, and forget this night ever happened..... all of which will be accomplished with the exception of the last part...

to quote Kurt Vonnegut " So it goes"

goodnight

xoxo

courtney....

(now off to phase one....hot shower)

because i can't keep a promise for shit!!!

so it has been a few days since i said i would continue to post no matter what.... and trust me the circumstances would have me not post at this point in time but....life as usual ...never often allows permissive moments...so hello friends....and if nobody has asked you lately ..."how are you?" this blog works both ways you know. so i am going to go out on a limb here...and say....i need help..... so the comment section directed below my masterfully written words is not there for show.... hit it up.... ask me questions...tell me what you want me to write about...otherwise we are all struggling through this mundane life without a common purpose and trust me i have opinions...lately i just seem to lack the focus needed to keep up on this flipppin blog....so help.... comment .....

xoxo..... courtney

see i can keep promises!!!

hey there blogville,

this is me making good on my promise to write even when i feel like passing out to the sweet hum of whatever my new boyfriend pandora wants to sing me to sleep to.... oh and FYI making "owl city" a channel......dumb.....anywayz,

what happened tonight? you ask..... well.....

(aside from murdering elipses....daniel.....)

i went to cardio barre (a bourgeoise workout class that seems over priced until you see the effects).... and there i learned that missing a week of class means you embarrass yourself to the point of possibly needing an ambulance.....

from there my night progressed into a night of drinking at my neighborhood watering hole.....where low and behold.... the asshole i never should have slept with....( who by the way used to call me a mermaid....gay.....anyway) walked in with his bleach blonde drug addicted whore that apparently seemed a better choice......suffice it to say....that was FUN!.....but as the drinks flowed i realized that i was smarter she would die younger.....and my friends love me more..... so there cruel world....and male mentality.....there!!!! there i say!!!!!!........ so as always i have decided that tonight was excellent.....mostly because despite the asshole ramblings that surround me on a tedious level..... i had a night off from work which i spent bettering my body..... and amongst (mostly) friends (with the exception of dumb fuck mistake and his bleach blonde STD) so ...... yeah

and i have also followed through on my promise to blog even when the mood doesn't strike me....

remind me to tell all yall about my job one day.... and who's fucking who.... and so on and so forth...... trust me it's a brilliant drama inscestual pit that i couldn't make up even if i tried......

till then,,,,,

hugs and kisses and o's to everyone

-court

yeah.....im a procrastinating asshole

i know , i know , yeah yeah yeah............. i haven't quite mastered the nack of actually telling yall what is going on in my day to day....but the truth is ....that blogging somehow found it's way into my subconscious school zone....and began to create the dred of homework......because in all honesty i can't imagine how friends of mine........ let alone complete strangers.....could be remotely interested in what i think and feel.....but alas.....here i sit in the dichotomy of my life torn between what is interesting to me and what could potentially be interesting to you.... so..... i make a new resolution...right now here with you.... to write at least every other day..... whether or not i fucking feel like it..... so i can at the very least feed my ego and know that my life is being documented.......so tonight.....

yes tonight 4/11/10 i got drunk on flippin tequilla after promising on facebook that i woiud be sober for a week........success for a few hours i suppose.......i got drunk at the glendale watering hole.....and had discussions about the mexican ladies in hollywood that make sausages and peppers on mayonaised buns at 2 am but refuse to come out during the day for the stoners..... most likely due to deportation laws...... and why no fucking bartender other than myself and few others can make a decent dirty martini.......suffice it to say i learned a lot tonight and my spiritual depth grew infinateley .......oh shout out to my sister who turned 21 tonight for the 7th time........yay!!!!!! whatever.....that was my night....i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did......

hugs and kisses and o's to all

-court

fucking old damnit this shit catches up anyway

dear world,

i realize that i have like five followers at this point but someday that number will far surpass my greatest expectations....so for now for you.....on this my 25th birthday....thank your six for believing in me.....and we will make it or we will die trying.....and i want to say a special thank you to taylor....rip.........WHO SAVED MY LIFE once upon a time but is still here with me tonight.... i feel you i love you and happy fucking birthday to me.......

the next blog i write i promise will deal with one night stands....ie sex and evreything it is supposed to be despite what it most often is. shit will get real honest real fast..... stay tuned.......25 here i come ready or not!!!!!!

welcome to the thunderdome!!!!!

alright ,

so howdy there all who braved up enough to type my name in and find my blog.... i have to addmit i never quite saw myself as a blogger....ever.....but alas my aspirations of being a writer insist i create a following so that maybe someday somebody will buy my book....oh if dreams were money ..... or slightly tangible for that matter... So... lets get down to the who

My name is Courtney Luise (without the o....an italian thing i'm told) Mazzanti.... I am quickly approaching my 25th birthday (march 12 .... send presents) and i pay my bills by bartending at a dysfunctional mexican restaurant that daily finds new and inventive ways to be "counter productive" but hey its fun and i get to drink .... ummm.... what else ....oh i am notoriously single for reasons beyond my denial.... i have a cat named Mox (seemed appropriate to mention him after the single comment).....I have a twisted sense of humor ..... i can't spell for shit.... and awkward silences are my favorite thing in the world.... they give life meaning.... okay enough of this ramble..... my blog will be on topics currently unknown to me but most likely revolving around me.... (that's what i was told to do anyway....something about PR or something)....i really must learn to listen better....

so if you can get past my atrocious grammer and failure to adhere to spellcheck.... then saddle up seabiscut.....and welcome to me.....