and it happened
and i let it
and i thought i owned it
cause i thought i felt it
cause where else could this come from
this fucking ache
that i hide
so well
from you
from everyone
cause God forbid they catch on
God forbid they catch the latch that keeps me barely here
and i am here
kind of
for a moment in this moment
im still here
but
im not
not really
if the cost of existence is to be loved
than i have not nearly payed my toll
but i am loved
in some eyes
in some kind of way
i suppose
and it matters
truly
i care
in a way
but it doesn't fix the ache
it doesn't change the face of the reflection daring me to look
it doesn't change a fucking thing
not a thing
NOT A THING
so i'm here
in my hometown
at my hometown restaurant
near my hometown street
feeling anything but home
i know i'm loved
but loving myself
well that
that i haven't quite grasped...
