another moment

and it was

and it happened

and i let it

and i thought i owned it

cause i thought i felt it

cause where else could this come from

this fucking ache

that i hide

so well

from you

from everyone

cause God forbid they catch on

God forbid they catch the latch that keeps me barely here

and i am here

kind of

for a moment in this moment

im still here

but

im not

not really

if the cost of existence is to be loved

than i have not nearly payed my toll

but i am loved

in some eyes

in some kind of way

i suppose

and it matters

truly

i care

in a way

but it doesn't fix the ache

it doesn't change the face of the reflection daring me to look

it doesn't change a fucking thing

not a thing

NOT A THING

so i'm here

in my hometown

at my hometown restaurant

near my hometown street

feeling anything but home

i know i'm loved

but loving myself

well that

that i haven't quite grasped...

stuck

caught in the in between

stuck in the space between my mind

and what comes next

i listen to the sounds

i listen to the sounds

i listen to the sounds

and i ignore myself

i find it easy to get lost

i hope to not be found

i feel a hand

graze my lower back

and i feel safe

i lift my friendly glass

and take a sip

and fall into the memories

the memories of what came before

and where they've left me now

i breathe

i breathe

i breathe

and i convince myself that i am fixed

for a moment

in this moment

i am healed

but that does not satiate the angst

the angst i crave

to crave a need to be saved

but that doesn't come

that hand does not shelter me

it only gently ushers me through

through a passing moment

in which i am free

and everything will be okay

but then

i wake

i wake

i wake

and greet the day

that greeted me

the day before

i am not saved

but i am safe

for now

for a time

in this time

for a moment

that i will call mine

actually written about six months ago

ima be real for a second because in all honesty i have 17 followers........so who the hell really cares who reads this.....

hello disappointment... i knew you were lurking around....

I am a girl who is very well read.... who has studied ancient philosophies and knows them almost as well as her own body.... but seeing as all that knowledge rarely comes up in conversation with the masses i will talk about the same bull shit everyone (every girl ) talks about...MEN!!!!

Here is the point in the blog where the sober part of my being chimes in and says "hey court, tomorrow when you are at the dentist you are going to die of embarrassment when you remember you posted this......" well to that sober part of me i say Fuck off!!!!I want to know when it became okay or rather sociably acceptable for men (and i use the term lightly) to behave this way..... and when did this generation of men "decide" (and i use that term loosely as well) that women despite their chosen ignorance are dumb to the situation at hand.... We know we always know what and why.... we may lie to ourselves and invent oscar worthy excuses but at the end of the day.....we always know..... (we even know the things we couldn't possibly know)
so tonight i sat across from the most beautiful bombshell perfect in every physical way possible bartender and listened to her shoot it straight to a group of women going through shit.... and ten tequila shots later i decided..... "well fuck" this perfect girl is right..... i couldn't possibly in a lifetime spend enough time time writing about how often i mask my intelligence..... or everyday thoughts for that matter....there is not enough room in the/ my world to decipher the bullshit that's come out of my mouth vs. what i actually feel and think...... and trust...... i think a lot. i could spend my entire life lost in it if society didn't mandate i bartend from time to time.... but i suppose that is why i call myself a writer because here with you...... on this stupid previously blank page i am myself fully and truly; and i hate that i can't find a way to speak what i think.

I get lost with people .... sometimes i think i listen to the point of forgetting myself.... i understand far more than any person was meant to and so......before i get to deep i stop nowdrunk or nothonest or lyingangry or hurtignorant or enlightened i'm gonna end this blog the same way it began


Drunk and misunderstood..... mostly due to the fact that i fail on a daily basis to be outwardly honest......



p.s. i will regret having posted this tomorrow..... but according to my manager it is good for my career.... so oh well here it is!

In Search Of Home

“In Search of Home…”

A Brief Introduction…

Four walls and an inverted V;

Four walls…

So much pressure on four walls

Force them to fall.

They collapse from the shame of

Failing to protect the broken

Souls they shelter.

They tumble to the ground

Crumbling over shattered delusions

Whispering strained confessions of

Forfeited defeat

Four walls and an inverted V lay

Hushed on the unforgiving ground

Pathetically silent & neglected

When they weren’t strong enough.

The once confident oak withered

Under its families weight, where it

Disintegrated at a constant rate;

Till its trivial fate missed its

“Save a home” date

By arriving in bells,

But arriving too late…

I didn’t want these walls to fall

Or feel they had to withstand its

Dwellers emotional quicksand…

Four walls and an inverted V

Do NOT create a home.

I never asked that of you!

I only wanted you to help me

Remember my life.

But you crumbled;

And your scattered 2x4’s a

Chronological wreck; leaving a mess

Of broken puzzle that I am

Failing to correct.

Lost memories between windows and

Floors leave me helplessly searching

Through rooms with no doors…

I only asked you to remember

My story and stay where you lay,

But today as you fell, my whole

World turned to grey…

Now alone in this wreckage

I aimlessly roam,

On a tragic journey…

In search of Home…

The epic begins.

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part I “A Tragic Thought and an Answer Sought”

I want to write about Home…

So many artists have spun, lamented,

Sung, drummed, raged, swung, and shunned

Words about home.

Tangible and emotional home.

Finding it in family,

Finding it in Childhood streets.

In a time, a place, a moment, a lover,

Even finding it in themselves…

Home:

This four letter word taunts my

Tattered being; tortures every

Masochistic breath I take,

Or fake, or force to hold till

I turn blue:

Or worse…

Till I turn to the very thing that

Burns my hands.

That burn replaced the numb, humdrum,

Pain I’ve become accustomed to,

And awakens my third eye:

I reach for a pen to

Write about my

Reach for a door that isn’t there…

I swear I’ve touched it in my mind,

But as my fingers begin to cool,

My third eye dies into a blank stare

Where that vision I envision of:

Hands outstretched & hearts unwound

Is gone.

Vanishes n smoke of a once lit,

Once hit cigarette that has gone out again…

So those fucking artists

With their shiny lyrics

Break my ache and take my

Pride in stride as I try to abide

By the rules of tact…

I control my impulse to throw the

Dated stereo at the plated

Glass wall that shakes but never breaks…

It teases me with its stability…

Home:

What should it even mean?

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part II “Not So Light as It Was Bright”

I want to write about… Home:…

I’ll start as a martyr

Who lost at the cost of herself

While yelling rages at the moon

Who will soon take the blame…

A small step, trips the path and

Flips the switch a little more…

Landing me out of the humdrum and

Into a new place; but NO new face,

In fact familiar those eyes

I watched vanish without a trace…

I suppose I may have been wrong:…

So I abandon my pride and

Ride with the tides of time that

Force open the doors that once

Slammed before.

I am angry at truth…

If it’s superior to me

Then I ask for it’s proof.

This truth we seek

Lends hand to a hand that refuses to hold,

Where weakness is exposed and its

Warmth is too cold

But the shiver is all that I crave…

What I’d give for one day to be brave,

To break free of the chains I have

Clamped on my own two fists,

Then insist, that fucking moon

Come through the mist or fog

We lovingly refer to as LA smog…

But the timing’s not right for

This kind of a fight

So I bow out to the night

But not without plight,

And not without giving that

Cowardice moon the sight of my

Middle finger upturned;

Flipped up to the hum of a

Beat Box drum.

This battle I sought was not

Wrought nor won

As I settle my nerves to the

Sight of the sun…

Where I’m stopped in the light,

Kept away from my foe;

Left unsettled, unsolved, and

Alone in Limbo…

But the time will come to

Settle this stand off;

Face to face moon…

Face to face with no mist or fog or

Smoke screen smog…

These questions command

With merciless demands that

You stand your ground…

For you cannot just take and then

Fake a lie to deceive with words

I cannot believe…

Home…

Why don’t I get a meaning?

A word with no tie to ease my mind.

Lacking connotations, denotations, or

Even a fucking association to the

Path I seek in the meek far

Corners of my mind…

I still have questions!

And the sun too will run

When it’s time comes and

I’ll stand at the edge to Free

Fall off the ledge and Face the

Space no lips have sung…

And there we will stand with no

Choice but to voice what

Slips off the tongue…

Fuck the chase;

And years smeared with fear

In a life that continues to leave

Me unclear…

I won’t be numb…

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part III “What Once Was Dark, Has Found Its Spark”

I want to write about HOME:

I’ll end the beginning with infinite space,

Safe in this place, with a smile on my face…

What settles inside is refusing to hide

As my search for home is

All that I’m tried

But for now these hot spots

In employee lots are where I reside…

So the irate hate of my mental state is

Forced in a box that won’t resonate!

I stand on the lid, feet just past the

Mid, that hid my way in…

I must face that moon

I WILL face that moon

You hear me?

I will face you moon…

See, I died when I tried to

Break down your pride as you

Lied and the chaos within was denied…

But I learned from you moon…

I learned how to hate.

So I took you bait and was handed to fate.

But before the cruel tock of that

Ominous clock gave up

I pricked the tick that made me sick

And moved the fuck on…

Now alone I may stand

In your drained eyes of such noble size

That believed all heir lies as you

Led this slave to her grave; but…

Fuck you!

And Fuck your story’s two faced glory

In a Labyrinth of streets that

Cross but don’t meet,

Beat this!

I faced your scare and return with a dare…

Step out of a Lair

Where you’re open and bare;

The trade these played roles you have

Made to EVADE your FAITH!

Be fooled on roads with dips and holes;

As in in which no soul can win.

Then trick your eyes with lies of hope,

And cope when you find that these

Roads as they wind are very unkind

And they won’t lead you home!

Now do it ALONE!...

In my heart it’s unfair that I

Care too much to allow you to

Take my dare.

So I bite my lip and hole my tongue in a

Mouth that craves for your

Neck to be wrung; and…

I offer my hand.

See you found where I hide

When I fail as I try to reach out

From this hell in my mind…

So you vapid stare won’t find you a door,

Because your Labyrinth merely

Begins at its core…

I have blackened the signs and

Removed all the lights; so in here

You’re the only foe you will fight…

There will be no directions,

Nor straight lines to follow, and these

Walls that surround you will soon

Become hollow.

You’ll stubbornly slam your feet to the ground

And no matter how hard your heart starts

To pound… you will hear not a sound.

That silence will soon start to make you go mad

Then your body will ache, and your spirit

Will break…

So when you decide you can no longer stand;

I strongly suggest that you

Take my fucking hand!

But once you are out you will be on your own

And no closer that I to finding a Home.

Moon!?!

I’ll spare you my dare with this

Karma based date.

For not even you’ve earned a

Fate of such hate…

However moon;

“You should know that I’ve rethought my demands”…

Feel free to hide in mist or fog, and shiver

Behind that smoke screen smog.

Go cower in this mighty sky; it makes

No difference how big or how high

Your rank, I’ve found, is self proclaimed; and

I spit on the thought of you being ordained!

Your spites left you old, burnt out, and cold,

And the way that you fight’s one

Sick way to be bold.

So face to face we’ll never stand.

Despite what I originally planned…

I no longer seek you explanation

For the creation of such pain and

Mutilation, that you inflict without any

Hesitation: you’d be a waste of a

Confrontation with your dissertation formed

By diction masturbation.

It’s no exaggeration that nothing could

Ignite a fight tonight with the likes of you…

Fuck your words!

And Watch me erase the

Disgrace of this place and the thought of

Battling face to face.

A Home may still be out of reach; but at

Least I don’t preach in manipulative speech

From a pedestal mounted ever so high

When in truth you still can’t even find the sky…

While you chose to hide

I was found by my guide

Who resides by my side as I

Travel beside the remains of your

Fucked up ride.

But…

Don’t be mistaken

I don’t smile to smite you

My Meaningless moon……

I smile despite you…

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part IV “This Section’s Forbidden and Shall Remain Hidden”

I want to write about Home:

Not walls and floors and empty space;

I want to write about home…

The reason why I trace his face…

Life aches when I break, and

My faith starts to shake as I

Fake the strength to make

My feet move steps they cannot take… And

Yet I know I’ve always known

That I have never been alone

And all these wrecks in search of Home

I created on my own.

And all the answers I misplaced

Conveniently were all replaced

By fears that I had been erased…

So doubt attacked my broken heart

Enabling me to fall apart…

How stupid can a woman be! to

Blindly fight what’s right in me?

The answer I could not think of was

Home’s synonymous with Love.

I fought so hard

I lost so much

I tore apart

I lost myself…

So now it’s out

And it only makes me scream…

What of my journey now? Huh?

You out there?

You listening?

Listen to my broken life and tell me

You have nothing to say!?!

Shit!

My heart!

Fuck!

How can I seek what runs away?

In search of home

In search of heart

In search of all that fell apart…

I’ll settle you hear?

I’ll settle for less

To end this mess…

I’ll settle for less

For sturdy arms to catch my fall

And a chest on which my head can rest

I tire at this daunting feat and

Beg my haggard heart to beat.

But I saw his face

And I knew my place

Then watched him go

Up and vanish without a trace…

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part V “As for Part IV, Quote the Raven ‘Nevermore’”

I want to write about HOME:

Let’s begin with a mask that I use to

Distract from the numbing flask on my hip;

This flask in my grip allows my

Morals to slip.

And I lose a bit more of my

Weakening soul from each sip as I

Dip my lips in the seductive tip of that

Medicating flask on my hip…

Then the darkness of the

Midnight sky,

Shocks the street beneath my feet

When it begins to cry…

MY MOMENT HAS COME!

I stand arms strong, legs braced, eyes wide,

As water strips away my pride.

To run from this would disgrace my name

And make my search for home in vain

So nearly broken I remain paralyzed

In the center lane…

My delusions fade as this raid on my soul

Is played by a trade that has forced me to own

The decisions I’ve made…

Countless tears in my heart cause this

Journey to start; Odin’s smoke lured me here

Where I’m frozen in fear but

I stand on my mark; quietly drenched in the dark

Face to the sky; heart to the ground,

And the only heard sound is that threatening

Rain which is forcing me to feel my pain.

Writhing Lightening Screams!

“Face up! Own up! Speak up!” But I can’t find

The words to express why I hurt

So I drop to my knees and admit my defeat

While betrayed by my sky that

Pours tears I can’t cry…

She screams back…

“Wait!”

It’s too familiar! I’ve been here before!

When a flame struck my room like the hell hand of doom!

Blackened ceiling to floor: “But did not pass my door?”

Thinking back in a daze that burnt room

Made a maze…

For that was the moment my life went ablaze…

I stepped out of my room for a stale cigarette

While remains of my room had all now become wet…

Shovels & boards used to make it secure

But nothing was left for my space to endure…

Though my memories are grey and most faces are blurred

That black and wet scene all looked oddly demure…

When everyone left; my knees hit the floor,

Where reality set in, and I broke to the core.

Alone without faith dirt filled tears cloud my eyes

I was left in the ashes without wings to rise.

I clung to the sound of my feet on the ground

So be it if that’s how I must get around.

The prayers that I cried were all boldly denied

So how do I trust faith when I feel like it died.

So don’t yell at me sky

While I deal with this pain

For tonight is just like that firehouse rain…

I have nowhere to go & no place I belong

And I’m humiliated people believe that I’m strong.

So How dare you! instruct me with all that I’ve tried.

As far as I knew it was fact that FAITH DIED!

I just lost all I own and I’m

Losing more still…

It’s not positive or negative when

I’m no glass to fill…

What more must I lose?

How much more can you take?

When I fear that real soon I’ll have

No heart to break!

You have taken my life, then dictate that

I try!

But this world you create

Has convinced me to die!

Don’t look at me like that!

What do you expect when you leave my alone

To fend for myself with no place to call home.

I’m here on my knees in a traffic lane!

Begging in this pouring rain

Pleading with this mighty sky

To find me a home or let me die.

I’m sorry if I’ve let you down

But you would leave me here to drown.

These tears are all that’s left of me

That fall while breaking on skinned knees

All I ask if you answer no and

I’m not meant to find a home

Then sky… I beg…

Please let me go…

Interruption of Sorts!

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

A Rude Interruption

“Pep Talks Found by a Fool and His Mounds”

… directly after finishing that last emotional segment; I flipped the page in the journal I had been writing in expecting the next blank page. However, it appeared as though my journal had a strong desire to voice its own opinion. The next page had printed words that eerily fitted and responded to my emotional state in Section V.

This creepy & random response over time became less shocking and more offensive to me. A journal should not invade one’s privacy…

Here are the printed words verbatim from that interesting journal…

literally folks…

PEP TALKS FOUND BY A FOOL AND HIS MOUNDS

“A FOOL AND HIS HILLS”

“BE ADVISED YOU’VE BEEN WARNED THAT YOU ENTER AT WILL IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ LIKES THAT SHOW NOTHING OF SKILL JUST A PRETTLING PREACHER WHO THINKS HE’S A TEACHER”

LETS TALK ABOUT MOUNTAINS. YOU START CLIMBING ONE, YOU TOIL, YOU SWEAT, YOU FINALLY REACH THE TOP, AND WHAT DO YOU GET? WELL, ALONG WITH A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT, OF PEACE, OF A JOB WELL DONE, A LONG WITH THE SATISFACTION OF DOING WHAT YOU SET OUT TO DO… YOU GET A GREAT VIEW OF THE NEXT MOUNTAIN, LOOMING, CHALLENGING CALLING YOUR NAME.

BUT WAIT! DON’T FEEL YOU HAVE TO TAKE ON THAT NEXT MOUNAIN YET. LETS DWELL ON THIS ONE FOR A WHILE. LAY THERE WITH YOUR HANDS STRETCHED OUT BEHIND YOUR HEAD! WATCH THE CLOUDS RUNNING ACROSS THE SKY AND TELL YOURSELF YOU’RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD, BECAUSE IN A SENSE YOU ARE, JUST BE FOR NOW, FOR YOU, THEN WHEN YOU’RE READY… PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF, PUT THAT PACK ON YOUR BACK, AND START CLIMBING DOWN. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER THATS ALL YOU CAN DO. THIS WALK NEVER ENDS YOU KNOW. THERE’S ALWAYS ANOTHER MOUNTAIN. THATS WHAT MAKES LIFE THRILLING AND YOU BREATHLESS.

THERE ARE DAYS, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE WALKED SO FAR, WHEN THE VOICE INSIDE YOU IS COMPLAINING THAT ITS ALL UPHILL, THAT IT ALWAYS WILL BE. AND THEN AFTER ALL THAT, WAY BEYOND YOUR BLUE HORIZON, YOU SEE THE BIGGEST MOUNTAINS YOU’VE EVER SEEN, AND YOU THINK “I CANT DO THAT”

WELL… I HOPE YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMEBODY WHO TELLS YOU THAT YOU CAN! LIKE I’M TELLING YOU NOW…

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part VI “Shake Your Pompoms Now Bitch…”

I want to write about Home…

But you want to write about mountains

I’ll digress

Fine, let’s hash this one out:

Used as a metaphor for life is trite…

I’ll start there.

But I must say that your

Warm and fuzzy speech about

Everlasting surmountable obstacles;

Obstacles that never end but

Never win is an affront

To the very life that courses through my

Self defeatist attitude…

So while I’m nailed to this cross

Of my own creation

My martyred eyes have had

Impressive preparation.

While your pep talk was kind

And genuine I hope,

It’s not swayed my desire to

Hang from looped rope…

But I’ll step down from my cross

If you come alone,

To defend in the flesh those

Verbal gauntlets you’ve thrown…

Listen…

I’m tired.

I’m fantastically tired,

And I’ve not moved an inch.

I’ve no energy left yet I’ve

Not even tried…

You forgot that one cannot

Take a single fluid step in any direction

When their soul is so lost that even a

Brightly lit mirror bears no reflection…

To face the daunting sight of

Unforgiving mountains with an air of

Persistence;

The head heart and lungs

Cannot be questioning their own existence.

You see,

To internalize that strength

Which convinces you to march,

You must innately know some

Kind of ground will brace your arch…

Your display of solidarity is Naïve!

(flattering)… but naïve

And it confounds me in an

Existential yet superficial tug-of-war

That no thesaurus could express.

Who do you mean to impress by

Writing such intrusive words?

Good spirited or not!

You don’t know me,

Don’t root me on from your detached

Positive side of the fence.

You have no business with pompoms!

What’s more,

I find it odd that one standing so

Firmly on the sanctity of Faith

Takes so much for granted.

You assume that “grey area” is but a

Plethora of potential wins, and

Discard without any acknowledgement

The concept this “grey,”

May have no way out…

Say it…

Just once…

Without fear of sin in that

Rosy faith of yours;

That some paths may lead us

To rooms with no doors…

Failure must not just be an

Overlooked, scientifically imposed

Fondly ignored outcome

It must be seen as an equal competitor,

Seen as just as likely, and

Possible fates friendly outcome…

I’m offended by your mountainous speech

You seem compelled to freely preach…

Because when the thought…

“I can’t do it,” enters my mind;

As it frequently does,

It’s because faith has

Turned its back on me!

I have not lost faith…

I have never lost faith.

Not even as my mechanical

Fingers diligently create my

Symbolic truce, formed in the shape of a

Looming noose.

Not to worry…

My morbid humor should

Bring you hope,

As these lines reveal where I

Dangle that rope…

I’m to hang from a branch on

Odin’s tree:

Because despite all my strength,

It was fate that gave up on me…

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

“A Brief Intermission”

Intermission

A hand on example of my life to date…

All of you can wait…

Just sit there and wait…

Here, sit tight on some hate

as your ego deflates…

Let’s all just sit here and wait…

And…

Naively…

Trust…

Fate!

See?!?

This treacherous wait

Allows you to relate…

And the frustration I create

As I force you to wait…

Makes it clear how it feels

when your date with Fate’s…

LATE!

IN SEARCH OF

HOME

Part VII

October 31, 2006 – October 31, 2007

“The Cyclical Movement of Infinite Time…

Marks a Year to the Day, and the End of This Rhyme…”

I want to write about…

Faith…

To my reader, my friend, and in

Whom I confide:

This detailed confession of the

Year that I died…

This ink lied as it cried

To what never replied.

It shot holes in your faith

That is harshly defied.

So forgive me my shock

That your eyes remained wide

As I tried to portray

The year’s sadistic wild ride…

I wrote this for me

Inked out pain with no goal,

And I watched it become

What it seems saved my soul.

My ink forced me on stage,

Stripped me down with each page

And created the key that

Unlocked my mind’s cage…

I didn’t understand that you

Can’t stand on wet sand and then

Ask for the hand you

Just violently damned!

I closed my eyes and denied

My sky with these lies I devised

With an iron fist to insist that

God did not exist…

But I was wrong!

And a long way from where I belong.

So listen to this as you’ve

Listened till now, and

Except these next words as this girl’s

Final bow…

I demand!

That every broken, lonely, depleted,

Completely defeated soul, direct

Their eyes towards my heavenless

Skies…

And learn from my mistake!

I will break in half and

Rip my flesh with fire so red;

It will stay in your head.

That I lied, when I tried to

Deny that I’d known the

Entire time that I wasn’t alone!

I’m searching for words

You can’t fail to conceive

That if you ask for help

Then you have to believe…

So:

Stand at the edge

To free fall off the ledge

And face the space

Even time can’t replace…

Relinquish control,

Make your shoulders unslump.

‘Cause to face fates black hole

You must willingly jump.

My pain brought me here

Where fate taught me of fear

I watched my life disappear

Now each step is unclear…

My futile mission in search of home

Taught me that I am never alone

So don’t look for four walls with

An inverted V.

What you seek isn’t something

Your eyes can see…

Disgrace your head and

Walk with your heart;

Pay no attention to what it tears apart

‘Cause if it breaks under pressure

Or is taken by fire then

Out of head, heart, and body…

Your mind is the liar…

Home is not bound to a father or mother

Nor in the four walls that you share with a lover.

The connection I lost and set off to discover

Ends here when my friends

Found home in each other…

Though this journey continues

My words will stop here

No longer chained down by the

Weight of my fear.

I regained my faith and

I’m never alone

So I no longer walk

In…

“Search of Home”